By David Simpson

Let me ask you something.

Have you ever had a conversation with your spouse that starts with a simple question like, “What’s for dinner?” It turns into a standoff that somehow involves everything from finances to laundry schedules to what was said in 2016.

You’re not alone.

Here’s what I’ve learned: Most arguments in marriage aren’t really about the thing we’re arguing about. They’re about the quiet assumption sitting in the corner of the room: that marriage is a tug-of-war between you and me.

One book on marriage relationships I read recently is Terrence Real’s Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.

He says if your marriage is all about you getting what you want… or me getting what I want… then we are going to have a problem. Why? Because when one person wins and the other loses, the relationship loses. Every single time.

So, what if instead of asking, “What do you want?” or “What do I want?” we asked: “What do we want?”

That’s a game-changer.

Real calls this mindset “relational mindfulness.” I know—it sounds like something your yoga instructor might say—but hang with me. It just means remembering that the relationship is the point—not your pride, not your need to be right, not your silent treatment skills.

When we operate from us, things shift.

Instead of thinking like opposing players on the field, we start thinking like teammates. We still have opinions, and we still disagree, but we ask better questions, questions that honour the relationship, not just our side of it.

Remember what Paul said in Philippians 2? “Do nothing out of selfish ambition… rather, in humility, value others above yourselves.” That’s not just wise counsel for the church; that’s gold for your marriage.

Here’s a simple question that can reset any heated moment in your relationship:

“What do we want right now?”

Not what do I want to prove.
Not what do you want to defend.
But what do we want to create between us?

Most of the time, the answer is connection, peace, partnership, and a Netflix night without drama.

Marriage isn’t about keeping score; it’s about staying close. If we can pause our tug-of-war long enough to remember that in marriage, we’re not opponents—we’re partners in a God-ordained covenant.

Baby step:
Next time tension rises, take a deep breath and ask out loud, “What do we want right now?”
Then… listen. And lean in. That’s where connection lives.

If this sparked something in you and you’d like to talk more—whether it’s about your marriage, your walk with God, or next steps—feel free to reach out. I’d love to connect. You can email me anytime at .

David Simpson is the Community Care Pastor at Parliament Community Church in Regina, SK, located near Harbour Landing. As a church, we offer programs for all ages, from children to youth, young adults to Seniors who are part of our Heritage groups. We are also diverse in cultural backgrounds but share a desire to grow as disciples of Christ together.