“You seem really frustrated. I would be really frustrated if that happened to me.”

As I spoke these words, I watched his little shoulders relax. The tension seemed to drain from his body. Although he couldn’t quite name what he was feeling and acted out in a way that looked like anger, it wasn’t anger at all. He was frustrated but didn’t yet have the emotional tools to identify or express it properly.

Here’s the thing: once we name an emotion, it changes everything. It shifts how we see others—and ourselves.

There are over 34,000 unique emotions a person can experience, but most of us can only name a handful. At best, we can identify about 8: sadness, joy, anger, fear, disgust, acceptance, anticipation, and surprise. Behind those is a whole spectrum of emotions that influence how we feel, react, and interact with others—especially the kids in our lives.

Let’s imagine we’re in a classroom for a moment. You look around and notice a child wiggling in their seat, clearly refusing to participate. When they don’t get what they want, they start poking the kid next to them, getting more and more physical. The teacher steps in.

But here’s the truth: what you’re seeing isn’t a child acting out of anger—it’s a child feeling anxiety. Anxiety manifests as a need to control their environment and a complete inability to handle a “no.” Trust me, a punishment won’t solve that.

Instead of reacting, the teacher pulls the child aside, speaking gently and getting down to their level. “What’s going on?” they ask. The child stubbornly refuses to respond, but the teacher knows this child. They’ve noticed that this behaviour always happens when there’s a writing activity. So, they calmly say, “I wonder if you’re struggling with writing. I’ve noticed this happens every time we do it. Does that sound right?”

The child relaxes and nods. The teacher continues, “Being mean to others and being disrespectful isn’t the way to handle this. If you’re struggling, you need to tell me so I can help. What do you need?”

A few minutes later, the child returns to their seat, noticeably calmer, almost like a different child.

The lesson here is simple: just because something looks one way doesn’t mean it is. Kids—and adults—aren’t always able to express what they’re really feeling. It’s up to us to dig deeper. As I shared with my teachers this past week, anxiety, fear, nervousness, and overwhelm often look a lot like anger. But recognizing the difference is key to handling them effectively.

This isn’t just for kids. Think about it for a moment: imagine you yell at your child for spilling the milk. You know it was an accident; they didn’t mean to do it, and you overreacted. You apologize immediately but then spend the next hour replaying the incident in your head.

As you reflect, you realize you weren’t angry—you were overwhelmed. Between trying to get the day started, a never-ending to-do list, and the constant clatter of others starting their day, your patience snapped. What you were feeling wasn’t anger—it was overwhelm or over-stimulation and that’s a whole different ballgame.

This is why I love books like The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner and the work of Brené Brown. They explore how we respond to emotions and how understanding them can transform our relationships. Naming the emotion for what it truly is—not what it looks like—changes everything.

The anxious child isn’t an angry child. The overwhelmed child who cries at the slightest hiccup in the day. They aren’t weak—they’re emotionally overloaded. The same goes for adults. We can’t always control our reactions, but we can help ourselves—and the kids in our lives—learning to identify the emotion and as a result, our response.

So, what does this mean for us? The next time you’re about to react, take a step back. Ask yourself: Is this behaviour common? When does it happen? What’s really going on beneath the surface? By asking these questions and responding with kindness and understanding, we can help each other navigate emotional immaturity—and that can make all the difference.

Kristen Cowman is the Children & Families Director at Parliament Community Church in Regina, SK, located near Harbour Landing. As a church, we offer programs for all ages, from children to youth, young adults to Seniors who are part of our Heritage groups. We are also diverse in cultural backgrounds but share a desire to grow as disciples of Christ together.