When Anxiety Comes Home
The new school year is upon us, and with it come many new things. New classes, new teachers, new teammates and for some of our kids, this can be an overwhelming experience. All the new and unknowns trigger anxiety, causing fights, back-talking, attempts to control the situation, etc. Anxiety has entered our home, and often, it comes in so secretly that we do not even know it’s here until the moment it rears its head through a child’s behaviour. How do we help our children navigate this tricky emotion that regularly threatens to hijack their everyday lives?
First, we name it. Dr. Sue Johnson states, “Naming an emotion begins the process of regulating and reflecting on it. What we can name, we can tame; when we give meaning to something, we can tolerate it and even change its impact.”[1] It moves the parent’s response from this child being disrespectful, disobedient, controlling, etc., to struggling with regulating a difficult emotion. When we switch our viewpoints, we can better help our child move towards self-regulation.
Many children (and adults) are unable to recognize the signs of anxiety. The racing heart, increased sensitivity to outside stimulation, and doomsday thinking slowly creep in until it reaches the point of an outburst. For each person, this can look different. In children, anxiety can look like aggression (raging from mild temper tantrums to severe lashing out), needing control, chronic illness (stomach aches, headaches, etc), difficulty sleeping, avoidance of certain situations, nightmares, and more. Caregivers need to notice as many on the list can be considered signs of disobedience. By noting if there is a consistent pattern, i.e. always in the morning before school or before a big event, it can give you space to respond to the child’s anxiety. In the long term, this can help children learn to self-regulate and move towards a healthier response in the future. Recognizing these signs is a crucial step in understanding and supporting your child’s emotional well-being.
Once you’ve named it, it’s important to help your child through it. Many different techniques are available for emotional regulation, but a widely popular one is “5-4-3-2-1”. Since anxiety causes the brain to enter a fight/flight/freeze response, pulling oneself back to the here and now is essential. Ask your child to name 5 things they can see, 4 things they can touch, 3 things they can hear, 2 they can smell and one thing they can taste. Be sure to practice this before the actual attack, or it can be unsuccessful. A personal favourite is what I call the donut. You draw a donut on a piece of paper. In the middle circle, work with your child to put everything they can control; in the outer circle (the donut part), put everything they can’t. Depending on your child’s age, you may only need to do a generic one and simply ask your child what can you control? And then help them work through letting go of what they can’t. You may need to do this for younger children or children who wrestle with generic applications for each situation. Remember that each child may need different coping skills to self-regulate. Many resources are available online, so do not be afraid to try them out.
It’s important not to chastise children for their reactions to anxiety, as this can worsen their condition. Changing worries means changing the soundtracks of our minds, the lines that our subconscious feeds our conscious mind that play repeatedly in our head. Often, in the case of anxiety, those soundtracks play to the tune of fear, Overwhelm, I’m not good enough, I’m not welcome here, everyone is judging me, etc. In her book You Are Not Alone, Jennie Allen creates space for kids ages 8-14 to wrestle through the lies that can feed anxiety and help to create a healthy head space.
As parents, it’s important to manage our own responses when dealing with our children’s anxiety. Often, our reactions are influenced by our own anxiety. Learning to navigate our own anxiety can create an opportunity to communicate and connect with our children as we learn to process anxiety together. The most significant step is learning to recognize the unique way each of our children shows their anxiety. All 3 of my children have different signs: Rage, the need for control, physical ailments, and verbal outbursts. Learning to recognize the anxiety and talk it through, rather than punish for the behavior, has made significant changes in our family. It’s not easy, and it can often feel like we are going against the grain of what is “expected,” but when we respond instead of reacting, we create healthier, happier kids.
One of the things we practice with our children is to come to the Lord with each of their worries through prayer. When they come to us, they are too afraid to sleep, overwhelmed with school, etc. We pray over them. We are specifically claiming the Lord’s promise that we are to cast all our cares on him because he can handle it. We also regularly demonstrate healthy techniques such as deep breathing, naming emotions, and celebrating when they choose to listen to their bodies, ask for help, or take the necessary steps to calm down. If your child has anxiety or is struggling, remember you are not alone as parents. If you find that you are unable to help your child or that they may be struggling with some deeper issues, do not hesitate to seek outside support through counselling, therapy, etc. In Regina, Rooted Connections, Child and Family Services, Child and Youth, and Joshua Learning Tree are great organizations for help. Remember, seeking outside support is not a sign of failure, but a proactive step towards ensuring your child’s well-being. I invite you to check out our online parent wall for more parenting resources on various topics.
